MetroSheriff
Hittin' the road...
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2001
- Posts
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AMR Corporation Public Relations Department
**For Immediate Release**
Monday March 8, 2004
Dallas, TX:
In a radical move today the AMR Corporation announced the trade of its American Eagle unit to the AeroFlot Company in Russia. The exact terms of the trade were not made public, but it is widely believed that AMR got the longer straw. Sources close to the negotiations report AMR received two cases of Stoli Vodka and a dancing bear named Jimmy, along with the promise
that, "None of those Eagle people will ever bother you again."
Eagle will be reorganized to provide regional feed to Aeroflot, and will be called "EagleFlot". Crew domiciles, or "gulags" will be opened in Moscow and in the far eastern Siberian port city of Kamchatka. Several equipment issues are still being worked out, including the TSO from the Russian FAA for ankle chains and bare wooden seats in the cockpits.
EagleFlot also announced a contract with the Tupolev Aircraft Company for 1435 new Regional Jets. The TU-145 "Embrearski" will feature faux leather seating made from recycled soda bottles. A food and beverage service will be offered, including raw potatoes and 160 proof liquor.
New EagleFlot President Petyr Bowlrski proudly announced that they had successfully bargained to keep the pilot contract intact, with a few positive changes: The fatigue policy has been clarified to make it more user friendly and positive.
Under the new system, anytime a pilot calls in fatigued, Crew Scheduling releases several hungry dobermans and if the pilot can outrun them, he is obviously not fatigued. Additionally, pilots now have the option of refusing a reserve assignment. Under this new agreement, the pilot and his family would then be sent to a "resort destination" somewhere north of the arctic circle, where they would never be heard from again.
All Jeppesen plates and company manuals will be reprinted on heavy card stock, for durability. Hats will be optional under the new contract, but all pilots will have to wear full length wool overcoats 11 months out of the year. Finally, the contract has been extended for an additional 47 years.
Air Line Pilots Association EagalFlot MEC Chairman Comrade Captain Herbovich Markski said, when asked about the changes to the contract, "I don't have a God Darnclue what it says, it's not in English!" Soon after this comment,Comrade Markski was taken for a special dinner meeting with 15 former members of the KGB Secret Police. As of press time, the position of MEC Comrade Chairperson was open.
Calls to AMR headquarters requesting comment were not returned, but several people reported two dozen empty vodka bottles and bear droppings in the lobby of Cantrerport IV. One man, who wouldn't give his name, said, "Looks like a hell of a party..."
On Monday, Eagle fight attendants were advised in a hotline message from the Central Collective Committee of EagleFLot that they would all need to change their names to Olga, gain 45 pounds, and grow unibrows.
Reaction from Eagle employees has been mixed. When told of the news, some began screaming uncontrollably for several hours, while others simply wet themselves, babbled curse words, then fainted.
AMR stock was up $3.19 on the NYSE in heavy trading Monday afternoon.
In a related story, Chataqua Airlines Corporation announced Monday that they will begin feeding AeroFlot in Stalingradd and Kiev under the "AeroFlot Red Connection" banner.
**For Immediate Release**
Monday March 8, 2004
Dallas, TX:
In a radical move today the AMR Corporation announced the trade of its American Eagle unit to the AeroFlot Company in Russia. The exact terms of the trade were not made public, but it is widely believed that AMR got the longer straw. Sources close to the negotiations report AMR received two cases of Stoli Vodka and a dancing bear named Jimmy, along with the promise
that, "None of those Eagle people will ever bother you again."
Eagle will be reorganized to provide regional feed to Aeroflot, and will be called "EagleFlot". Crew domiciles, or "gulags" will be opened in Moscow and in the far eastern Siberian port city of Kamchatka. Several equipment issues are still being worked out, including the TSO from the Russian FAA for ankle chains and bare wooden seats in the cockpits.
EagleFlot also announced a contract with the Tupolev Aircraft Company for 1435 new Regional Jets. The TU-145 "Embrearski" will feature faux leather seating made from recycled soda bottles. A food and beverage service will be offered, including raw potatoes and 160 proof liquor.
New EagleFlot President Petyr Bowlrski proudly announced that they had successfully bargained to keep the pilot contract intact, with a few positive changes: The fatigue policy has been clarified to make it more user friendly and positive.
Under the new system, anytime a pilot calls in fatigued, Crew Scheduling releases several hungry dobermans and if the pilot can outrun them, he is obviously not fatigued. Additionally, pilots now have the option of refusing a reserve assignment. Under this new agreement, the pilot and his family would then be sent to a "resort destination" somewhere north of the arctic circle, where they would never be heard from again.
All Jeppesen plates and company manuals will be reprinted on heavy card stock, for durability. Hats will be optional under the new contract, but all pilots will have to wear full length wool overcoats 11 months out of the year. Finally, the contract has been extended for an additional 47 years.
Air Line Pilots Association EagalFlot MEC Chairman Comrade Captain Herbovich Markski said, when asked about the changes to the contract, "I don't have a God Darnclue what it says, it's not in English!" Soon after this comment,Comrade Markski was taken for a special dinner meeting with 15 former members of the KGB Secret Police. As of press time, the position of MEC Comrade Chairperson was open.
Calls to AMR headquarters requesting comment were not returned, but several people reported two dozen empty vodka bottles and bear droppings in the lobby of Cantrerport IV. One man, who wouldn't give his name, said, "Looks like a hell of a party..."
On Monday, Eagle fight attendants were advised in a hotline message from the Central Collective Committee of EagleFLot that they would all need to change their names to Olga, gain 45 pounds, and grow unibrows.
Reaction from Eagle employees has been mixed. When told of the news, some began screaming uncontrollably for several hours, while others simply wet themselves, babbled curse words, then fainted.
AMR stock was up $3.19 on the NYSE in heavy trading Monday afternoon.
In a related story, Chataqua Airlines Corporation announced Monday that they will begin feeding AeroFlot in Stalingradd and Kiev under the "AeroFlot Red Connection" banner.
